The "Friday the 13th" Challenge

I am not an African American but I observe Black History Month.

Most of my friends are not Irish but they’ll drink plenty of Guinness on St. Patrick’s Day.

And who even knows what Labor Day is but we all make plans for that holiday weekend.

So what, I ask, should keep a single from celebrating Valentines Day with the rest of the coupled-off world?

I could have stayed home locked in my basement room while my roommate and her boyfriend commemorated their star-crossed lovers status with a night-in upstairs. It was only a matter of time before the intoxicating aromas seeped through my vents to let me know he was making her a romantic dinner. Then I was going to hear their steps-in-sync as they migrated to the den for a movie. Then the creaks would come from the couch as they snuggled and fed each other those chocolate covered strawberries I saw earlier in the refrigerator.

Now my roommate and her boyfriend had been nice enough to invite me to third wheel their evening but I had already made plans for the night with someone else. Someone who is always available. Someone who has given so much. Someone who loves you no matter what. Oh yes, this year Jesus was my Valentine and it was going to be the perfect date.

First, we went to my favorite restaurant - Panera. He didn't eat though. I think He was doing another one of those 40 day fasts or something. I, however, completely ignored the whole "What Would Jesus Do?" when it was my turn to order. There ain't no way I'd pass on my usual You-Pick-Two. It was a bit forthright considering my date said “not on bread alone doth man live” but luckily, Jesus is kind of a big deal when it comes to forgiveness.

Then we ventured out to the country roads for a romantic drive under the stars. Jesus was riding shotgun and I think his all-knowing powers told Him that I was feeling a little lonely so He miraculously sent a sign through the radio by playing Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” not once but TWICE! But I’m still trying to figure out why He then had the radio play Kings of Leon’s “Sex on Fire." If that song isn’t a tribute to the sin of lust, what is? Then again, this is the man who accepted the biblical whores when no one else did. I guess Mary Magdalene and I do have some things in common when it comes to sin. Well, up to the point of getting stoned. She had to run from the stoners while I’m usually running towards them. I don’t know what it is about potheads but every time they take a hit, I automatically offer them all my cheeks… (that’s a little New Testament humor in case you’re not a Catholic schooled gentile…)

When the car clock neared 10:20 pm, it was time to call upon Jesus, and all the gods for that matter, to be fortified with every ounce of strength a single could muster in facing the “Friday the 13th” challenge. Specifically, was I comfortable enough with myself to make a pilgrimage to the holy land of dates – the movie theater, on the feast of all date nights – Valentine’s Day, to take in a real reason why we wouldn’t want to sleep alone – the almighty Hollywood horror movie!?

The answer, of course, is no but that didn’t matter because Jesus was my Valentine! By the way, that senior discount on the ticket price really kicks in when you’re nearly 2050 years old as Jesus got in for free. Unfortunately, just as the movie was about to start, some late comer couple didn’t see that the seat next to me was saved and Jesus got sat on. It’s okay – He said He’s been through worse.

The movie “Friday the 13th” was a disappointment. Normally I’d expect this from the four hundredth remake of a plotless slasher flick that has raked in most of its fan base through 3:00 am marathons on TNT but this particular director, Marcus Nispel, was a genius with the 2003 remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” When I saw that film in theaters, Leatherface’s mere presence almost made me jump out of my skin, much like his victims ended up. I was literally shaking in my seat during some of those scenes in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and I wasn’t even sure what I was frightened of – that’s how great the story and film shots were done.

The highlights of “Friday the 13th,” however, were the few jokes about marijuana and I probably only enjoyed them because of my infatuation with potheads. Jason Voorhee’s big scares reminded me of a bad game of peek-a-boo. The only reason I was shaking in my seat this time was because the large man sitting next to me (and sitting on Jesus) was snacking on some sort of fried chicken and little bits of it kept violating the arm rest borders and ending up all over me. That was the real horror of this theater outing – how is it that I’m the one who is alone here while Mr. Kentucky Fucking Chicken has a date!?

Then again, you’re never really alone when Jesus is your Valentine. We haven’t talked since our date but Church doctrine says that “He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead” so I’m looking forward to that. Until then, let he who has not sinned cast the first stone for the Lord has yet to help this stoner-loving-single change her ways.